The Year of the Magnificent: 2014!!!

Happy 2014!!!

I used to find 1 January (and the whole month of January) a sort of no man's land.  In the past it seemed a little empty after all the Christmas celebrations and excitement, but not this year.  This is the start of seeing things differently and on a magnificent level - from the small to the large.

Even though every day, and even every minute of the day, can be a new beginning, there is something about the 1st day of a new year that just clears the slate and is, in a way, a rebirth.  A clean sheet to start off how you mean to go on.

This morning an email arrived that said What's your 2014 theme word and it got me thinking.  I know what I want to achieve this year and the word that I have chosen is "Magnificent".  How cool will it be to look back on 2014 and know that you did all things with passion and magnificently!  From the small things you do on a daily basis to the big projects and goals that you have set yourself.

As well as having a theme word I really like this:

And let's not forget to write your goals down.  It makes such a difference to put pen to paper (or finger to keyboard) and put those things on a list / word doc where you can go back and review through the year.

Have you written your goals?  And what's your theme word? :)

Winter sun and yoga headstands

I would be lying if I said I enjoyed every moment of the last 4 weeks.  I reckon they have been my most taxing but enlightening of the whole recovery.

As said in my last post I have been 'on the bench' for the past month due to pneumonia.  It was an interesting period where I, after my first CT scan since surgery, was given the all clear for cancer but then told I had pneumonia.  Gutted.  Pneumonia?!  I thought I just had a chesty cough, but oh no.   I was hoping that my 'Results Day' would give me the closure I needed and the all clear to move on.  It was bitter sweet as thankfully I was cancer free BUT I had a nasty lung infection, which meant I had to put some plans on hold.  Needless to say I didn't enter a gym or do any strenuous exercise at all for the past 4 weeks.

After having been on 2 courses of antibiotics (necessary to clear the infection but basically it's like dropping a nuclear bomb into your system that leaves you with headaches, nausea and all sorts), watching numerous Wes Anderson / Bill Murray / Luke & Owen Wilson movies (Moonrise Kindgdom rocks), making soups and generally relaxing I am ecstatic to finally be back in the game.  

This week has certainly been a turning point and one where I feel happily in control again.  Starting back at work has been awesome.  Finally feeling healthy again feels awesome and being able to do what you want feels awesome.  I can honestly say that I am making the most of my days now... this is something I yearned to do since the kidney cancer surfaced but I always felt my reigns were being pulled back and I couldn't go 'full steam ahead' with what I wanted to do.

So, we are back on track.  Today I took advantage of the gorgeous winter sun and blue skies, got on my running gear and dusted off my Nike Frees for some outdoor cardio.  With the sun on my face and the crisp air I truly felt alive.  I really did.  Sprinting with a smile on my face - I'm alive and I'm healthy.  Life is good! 

I didn't stop there.  I came home and did something I have been meaning to do for MONTHS.  I kid you not, months!  I have been building a Pinterest board filled with yoga poses and inspiration but for some reason never did it.   But not today - this is the week of being in control and being a do-er!  So out came the yoga mat (months old and used mainly by Curious Kid for his forward rolls) and I set out to do a headstand - something that I haven't attempted since I was about 6.  Even after 15-20 mins of practicing I was amazed at just how fast you can develop.... on a side note I have to add that 5 mins of that time was probably spent faffing with Timercam to snap a shot.  I did a yoga course years ago and I remembered the feeling of release, concentration and being in the moment.  How true that is.  Not only is it good exercise but it does wonders for relaxation, stress levels and being here now.  I should have started this months ago... I have known that all along but, well, it is never too late to start and this is my start.  

Exercise and feeling healthy really does keep your mood in check (good vibes only) and let your soul glow! 

All the things I have been telling myself for years have actually been felt - be in the moment, seize the day, enjoy the small things, be grateful to be alive and be in good health.  Another important learning curve through this whole recovery period has been that you really can accomplish great things (big or small) if you just focus, put effort into it and do it with determination.

So, what's next? :)

Back on the bench

We all have ups and downs, but it's all about our attitude, especially when it comes to the downs.

Just as I thought I had the all clear it turns out I have a lung infection. Sucks. As Mr V puts it - just another thing to add to the list, tackle and get over. So regarding training I am 'back on the bench'.

So I will make good use of my athlete mentality; rest, recover and look forward to being back in the game.

As a good friend of mine said at the beginning of this year "2013 will be the hardest year yet, but if you survive that, then 2014 will be awesome." How true those words are!

So here's to those going through some frustrating times... Keep your head held up high and look for the positives.

Through the donut... and beyond...

Into the donut we go

So last Friday was my first journey into the donut again after surgery.  Pretty much 3 months after my first scan, when Lionel showed up.

It was an interesting experience as having a CT scan isn't painful (unless you count the infuse and the yukky dye being injected into you at full force, which really isn't that pleasant).  But rather than painful it is quite emotional, or at least that was my conclusion when I was lying there.  It musters up quite a few feelings (Am I cured?  Am I healthy?  Has the cancer gone anywhere else?  What else might they find?)

Amazing how this piece of machinery (which is pretty impressive to say the least) and the sterile room can bring back so many memories which seem so distant yet so close at the same time.  Just weird, as last time I was lying there I was this happy go lucky (naive) person thinking "What are you guys on about my kidney's for?  They are fine".  So it was a strange feeling being back in there after so much had happened,  physically and emotionally.

I could have done with some music really (Prince please), but it's only 15-20 mins of breathing in, holding your breath and breathing out so it was over quite quickly.

I know it won't be my last time in there so I just have to make peace and friends with the CT machine - I may have to give it a name (Belinda?)  The positive is that they are keeping a watchful eye over you and anything that is abnormal will be seen sooner rather than later, and that is a reassuring feeling (especially after big old Lionel was found at a late and advanced stage).

Restless weekend

I apologize to my hubby and son for my crabbiness this past weekend.  Mum and stepdad knew what was up and how I was feeling so gave me the space I needed to deal with it in my own way.  Pretty much nerves, not knowing what to do with myself or my emotions and general restlessness.  I feel good, I feel healthy, really healthy... but I did before the last scan too - so I guess that played on my mind.  What if, even after the surgery and feeling totally healthy, that the cancer was still there or back?  I just wanted results that would give me the all clear, which I needed to move forward.

Results day

Before we even got our coats off the Surgeon happily said, "Your scan looks good - all clear" - what a bloody relief! Mr V and I let out a huge sigh of relief.  I thought I would have cried in all honesty, but I guess the couple of tears shed on the weekend were already the release that I needed.   So I sit here with my heart and soul filled with joy and happiness that I am cancer free forever thankful to the Surgeon, Specialist and hospital who have saved my life.  What a feeling.  Life can change in an instant.  There are things we have control over and things we don't and that is this crazy place called life but I vow to take this so called life by both hands, a curious head and a happy heart.

#FUcancer friends

I am happy to have met some great people via social media who are now friends.  We have gone through kidney cancer; sharing feelings, stories and notes has been therapy in itself.
A few of them have just had their scans and are awaiting results, so I am sending positive vibes their way!

Now and beyond...

As to how I feel now? Relieved.  Thankful.  Lucky.  Grateful.  Emotional.  Still a little restless in all honesty - it's time to put this chapter behind me and move on.  My body is probably as healthy as it's ever been, now onto healing the mind.  I found this, below, which pretty much sums it all up.

So happy that my story isn't over yet ;)

Where does motivation come from? Simply put - YOU!

Happy weekend!

Hope you are all having a smashing one so far.  I had a case of early morning inspiration, so at 4.30AM, got up, turned on my laptop and wrote the newest blog post for our Get Fox Fit website.

You can check it out here.

And remember it is never too late (or too early as was my case this morning) to accomplish something you want ;)

Athlete (not patient) mentality

It started with food and now it's a case of 'getting back on my feet'; building strength, endurance and stamina whilst de-stressing the mind.

When I was diagnosed the Dr told me "No gymming" - I was crushed.  It was the first thing on my mind that I thought could get me through this, but Ok, under Dr's orders I stayed away.

There are 2 occasions that come to mind in that period of knowing I had cancer and that I wasn't allowed to lift a weight or jog.

1) I was in the supermarket and saw a cute girl in her workout clothes and colored Nike's. My heart sank - I wanted to be her.  Fit, healthy and either going to / or coming from the gym.  I wanted nothing more than to have what she had, not this stupid cancer that was attacking my body and staying firmly attached to my kidney.

2) One night whilst doing the dishes, I just had enough - I needed to get out the house and 'feel' like I was doing something in the right direction of getting better.  So off I went to put on my headphones, gym clothes, Nike Free's and went for a walk... past my gym.  I lovingly looked through the windows from afar (the other side of the street) and I just longed to be in there, lifting some iron, trying another pull up and doing something that could help my body fight this battle.

It's funny how you REALLY want something that you can't have.  Well these 2 occasions taught me a very valuable lesson:

Remember these moments when you walk back into the gym!  After surgery, when the Dr gives you the go ahead, then go for it 100% (not 80% or 99%) - you are stronger than you give yourself credit for so seize the time that you have.  If you really want something then go for it.  The body can achieve what the mind conceives, so get in there and kick some a**!  

Which brings us to the present day.  I wasn't allowed to 'work out' until the 6-8 week mark, so last week (at 6.5 weeks post surgery) it was time to visit my 2nd home, the gym.  I feel very passionate about the gym / fitness and truly believe it is a VERY essential part of my recovery and I see it as a place where I can free my mind of stress, breath and let go whilst build a fit, strong and toned body.

Not only that but the support and encouragement that I have received from my 'gym buddies' has been overwhelming.  As one of them said, "If you didn't tell me I would never have known" which just goes to show you never know who is fighting a battle or what they have / are going through.  I remember seeing a few guys at our gym who had huge scars on their heads (which I think may be tumor / mass / cancer related) and I remember thinking "Those are some rad guys kicking whatever did that to them's ass!"  I had so much respect for them and that is how I feel when I make the choice to go to the gym and work on my recovery.  It is now my time to get strong (mentally and physically).

Since the diagnosis I found therapy in writing and now it is time for my therapy to expand to the gym.  A place where I can truly listen to my body and a place where I can build a strong physique and mind to last me a lifetime :)

So this leads me to the next thing... a new blog and a new goal.  It is a way of combining my 2 therapies - writing and fitness and is something that Mr V and I are extremely excited to do together.

Before the diagnosis we wanted to train and compete in a contest together.  We both love the sport and it's just awesome to do it together whilst having fun as a couple.  Since earlier in the year it has been our intention to start a blog together that will focus on fitness, clean eating, healthy living, workouts, the journey to the contest stage and how to combine that with having a family and 'health issues'.

Yes we may be training for a contest but essentially we are training for life!  This is not something that we want to do for just 1-2 years, but something we want to sustain for a healthy life that we can spend together with each other and our son.  Building a better, healthier, future for us all.

Yes standing on stage will be a new experience for me.  But I'm determined to follow through with this goal and show people that you can achieve anything you set your mind to.  In my case stand on stage after you have had cancer, with one kidney and hypothyroidism.

You have to grab life with both hands and this is the next step in my recovery and our journey forward together.

#FitForLife
#TrainingForLife
#BuildingStrength
#Recovery
#FitFamily

For those interested, here is our new blog:  http://getfoxfit.wordpress.com/

I thought the below photo was apt for this post.  Taken whilst walking to the hospital for surgery.  As you can see - clearly dressed to take on the operation as an 'athlete' in my work out clothes, Nike Free's and with my gym bag :)

I will continue to keep and update this blog as I have numerous posts that I still want to publish but need some work... so this blog will stay too.  However if you are more interested in clean eating and fitness you may want to head over to: http://getfoxfit.wordpress.com/

Why blog?

My brother from another mother told me, "You need to write more!"

He is right.  In the past I didn't really write - I chose to pick up a pen, paint brush or piece of charcoal and create some art instead.  However I have been pleasantly surprised that I enjoy writing and I should do more.
Do more of what makes you happy, right?! :)

It also got me thinking, why did I start this blog?

I started writing and blogging for a few reasons, but mainly because:

1) I was so happy to have found other blogs by people who had been through the same thing as I was going through.  Reading their story, how they coped and being able to actually get in touch with them was a huge support to me so I decided to share my story in case it could help someone else.

2) I wanted to write down every small detail and thought as it happened, as I knew that in a year or decade from now the memory would stay but the details may fade.

3) Writing became my therapy.  Some people take up painting, music or any other creative outlet when they are diagnosed with a disease.  I took up writing.  This blog became a place where I could write and say all the things that I may not have actually said to friends or family.  Looking back, I don't think I would have told many about "How Mario was going to Save Me" or 'Repressed Emotions' but my blog became a safe haven where I could write my feelings and parts of the story freely.  It was a place that welcomed my honesty with open arms, gave me the time to speak, never asked anything in return and never judged me.

4) Since most people follow their friends and families lives so easily and efficiently via social media (mainly facebook) I thought writing a blog would be a good way to share all the details of my story, my thoughts and "where my head was at" since I no longer had facebook.  Rather than go into the nitty gritty details personally I thought this would be a good place for friends, family or anyone searching for more info to read more if they wanted to.  Not everyone wants to know the full story so this way they could choose.

Over the past few weeks of my recovery writing has taken a bit of a back seat whilst I built a healthy relationship with clean eating and in turn finding my "happy place" with food.  (It feels great to make guilt free nutrition decisions,  I cannot recommend it enough.)

"I check your blog every day" Bro said, and this means a lot to me - that someone has taken the time to read my blog.   So the least I can do is honor his request.  I will continue to write more (plus post healthy eating recipes) :)

Thank you Bro for your honesty.

So, I had kidney cancer

Cancer. A word that scared the living daylights out of me, since as far back as I remember.  The worst thing that could ever happen to you or anybody, I thought.  Well, it happened to me.  Pushing organs around so it could grow over the course of days, weeks, months, years.  A cell that went rogue for whatever reason (my educated guess so far - from various toxins), taking over my fully functioning healthy kidney.  

Since the diagnosis last month I was perfectly accepting and at peace with any outcome, apart from death. Death was not an option.  But if it was cancer, then so be it.  

For those interested to know the stats, here are the results broken down:

• Kidney Cancer - Chromophobe Renal Cell Carcinoma (ChRCC) to be exact
• Furhman grade 3 (it was big!)
• Size: 13 x 11 cm right kidney mass
• Weight: approx. 760 grams (a normal kidney weighs around 150g)

The good news: it was limited to the kidney so there is no spread. The lymph nodes and blood vessels are clear.

No further treatment apart from taking the time to recover and heal fully.  The surgical procedure was not called a "radical" nephrectomy for nothing.

My life was saved by a very talented Surgeon and his sidekick, the robot.

There is always a chance cancer comes back but in this case it is quite small.   They will be keeping a watchful eye on me with a CT Scan in 3 months, then every 6 months after for a couple of years, then probably once every year after that.  

I guess you could say my life now has 2 era's: BC (Before Cancer) and AC (After Cancer).  I can see, read, hear and utter the word cancer and it doesn't frighten me.  It really doesn't.  Cancer can be villainous and it has sadly taken far too many people, but I'll be damned if I cave to the word itself.

I can't change the fact that I have had cancer.  Strangely enough I wouldn't want to (I strongly believe everything happens for a reason).  What I can change is how I live the rest of my life - making good choices to stay as healthy, happy and helpful as possible whilst cutting out toxins (be it in food, cleaning products, emotions etc.)
No worries, no stress.
Life is precious, and brief.  Don't forget that.

The cancer journey is an interesting one.  I am grateful to have made a few new friends along the way.  Two of them being 2 awesome guys (who I came across when googling terms such as "are you kidneying me" and "da vinci robot scars").  They went through the same thing - no real symptoms unil BAM kidney cancer at a young age.  One thing we have talked about is the experience and emotions you go through, it is difficult to explain however we knew what each other had been through - the thoughts, the realisation that we are indeed mortal. We won't live forever and yet we all faced it head on with a 'Gung-ho' attitude.

I can imagine for some people going through cancer can be a lonely journey.  Family and friends want to do the best for you, but they are having to deal with their own emotions too.  You don't need to go it alone and if I can be of any help or support to anyone I'm just an email or tweet away.  Please do not hesitate to contact me, I truly mean that :)

I aim to use this blog as a place to try and help others who are interested in healthy living:  healthy eating (be it whether you are going down the no gluten, no meat, no sugar, no diary, no eggs, no processed foods road or not), healthy mind (body and mind go hand in hand) and healthy beauty (natural cosmetics) as well as sprinkle a bit of humor along the way thanks to conversations with a 4 year old and top that off with some stories here and there.

Cheers to the healthy, happy, humorous and helpful life, cancer-free!

For those with a curious mind, my robot scars

I'm sure I am not the only one who is interested in scars and whenever I hear of someone who has had an operation I always wonder how the procedure "made their mark". 

On that note I thought I would share my surgical and da Vinci robot scars with you (7 in total) in case you are just as curious as me.   

Even though I told my Surgeon that I didn't care about what kind of scars I would have (whatever worked for him the best to get Lionel outta there) he kept the incisions to the bare minimum and it surprises me just how he managed to get a big guy, like Lionel, my kidney, a few lymph nodes and blood vessels out of that small surgical incision.  

Let me first introduce you to Mr da Vinci...

Bottom left is where Lionel and my kidney exited ;)

So, there you have it.  They actually look more like bullet holes and a couple of stab wounds - I could come up with a good story for that, but I prefer the real story of how an extremely talented (and thoughtful) Surgeon saved my life with his robot.

This is real life right here...

If you had told me and my brother from another mother 10 years ago that THIS would be happening we would never have believed you, not even for a second.

From hospital bed > BMW this was the funniest wheelchair experience.  My stitches nearly burst from laughing. OW!!!! is all I can say (with a huge grin on my face) but soooo comical.

Bro - thanks for being an awesome driver (wheelchair and car).

This is real life and this is real funny :)

Going home day!!!

The highlights so far (and its only 10:30):

• Finally slept more than 1 hour
• Had a sitting down shower - best feeling in the world. I am reborn!!!!!
• Finally have a hospital card (moved from sticker to card status, yeah!)
• Walked to the window and back again
• Saw a kidney stone! (It was the woman in the next bed over's stone) 
• Got the all clear from the Dr to go home today :)

I have to say these last few days have been an experience.  It is amazing just how life is different when you are hospitalized for any reason - be it prostate cancer, kidney stones or a kidney tumor (which is what's going on in my room).  We have all shared our experience and get so excited by the most mundane things that you take for granted, for example: walking to the bathroom all by yourself, showering, eating a sandwich, getting out of bed yourself with a little less pain than yesterday etc. These things you do on a daily basis have turned into huge accomplishments!  

Today is better than yesterday and tomorrow will be better than today.

It will be weird to walk through my front door with 1 kidney and a few battle / robot scars but, in more ways than one, I'm coming back a lot healthier and stronger.

Onwards and upwards, with a whole load of love and laughter in between. It still freaking hurts to laugh but I do it anyway :)

Want to meet Lionel???

Before I introduce you to Lionel (if you are squeamish turn away at the bottom of this post) let me sum up the highlights since Monday:

• Operation "Moving Day" was a success 
• Went in around 13:30 and was done at 17:00 
• The Surgeon said that the mass was loose and only attached to the kidney which resulted in an "easier" operation for him and his team - he took out my whole kidney and Lionel. Hello Mono Kidney Club! 
• Because Lionel was loose the Surgeon was able to do the whole procedure with the robot (da Vinci) instead of an open surgery, which means a faster recovery time and only a few small incisions (Pirate PinUp is left intact for those wondering) 
• I asked the Surgeon to take a photo of my kidney (and Lionel) which I was so excited to receive and see - scroll down to view :) 
• Kidney and Lionel are currently being dissected and examined (we have to wait 2-3 weeks for a full report) 
• Am currently being very well looked after by an awesome team of Dr's and nurses at the hospital. Mentally applauding these wonderful, kind and skilled people and can I just add: nurses - respect!!!! Seriously. 
• Have managed about 10 steps down the hallway and back again, woo hoo! (10 more than yesterday!) 
• Experiencing the weirdest pain of electric shocks internally and when breathing. It hurts to laugh (which really is not funny) and there is the sensation of "things moving and adjusting" 
• Health and healing wise everything looks good and they may be sending me home tomorrow 
• Best things I packed in my bag: 1) Beats by Dre Headphones 2) Rudimental - Home album 3) Robin Thicke - Blurred Lines album 4) Lip balm (a good set of headphones, phat beats and moisturized lips are a godsend!!!) 

And now, let me introduce you to my kidney and Lionel...

A Radical Right Nephrectomy right there people. Gnarly!

The Waiting Game

Currently sitting side by side in the ward with Mr V. passing the time watching an MTV marathon (on the high tech tv terminal) and hearing "Mr Storyteller" (80+ man who wants to be in the know... And also sings to himself when he dozes off) in the next bed.

I've just been told that because I'm in the  "Major Surgery" Team (exciting!) they are hoping to upgrade me to a private room, awesome. I don't mind sharing a room at all (I do like to socialize) but if I wake up in a private room I'll not complain ;)

I'm starving!!!!!  All I can think of is food #phatty

Got some first world problems going on - I have to watch how much I'm on the phone before my battery dies.  So I will leave you with The Secret message I received today... 

Right on! Pretty much on point for a Radical Right Nephrectomy kinda day :)

Moving Day. Waving Lionel goodbye and gaining membership into the monokidney club

Lionel is all packed up and patiently waiting for Mr Awesome Surgeon to move him out with the use of his mighty robot.

In all honesty I am excited.  I'm not sure how many questions Mr Surgeon is usually asked after surgery but I hope to win the award for 'Most Questions Asked' :)

I hope he's also ready for me to ask him to take a photo of Lionel, and any gatecrashers, as I would like to see who has been living with me all this time.

So today marks the day that I will be joining the likes of The Naked Mole Rat (one of the wittiest and funniest blogs I have ever read) in the Mono Kidney Club.

Throughout these past 2 weeks (the quickest and most thought packed weeks of my life so far) my biggest emotion, joining excitement, is fearlessness.  An emotion that I welcome with open arms and one that I wish to carry with me throughout the rest of my years.

Now this - I dig... and I do love roller coasters.

Have an awesome day :)

list alert!!! What to pack in your hospital bag...

It's been a few years since I had to pack a hospital bag and I remember googling to find a good list.  So in case this can help others who are wondering what to pack (and questioning if they have everything), here is what's in my bag:

• ID card, insurance card and hospital card
• Medicines (if you take any)
• Night clothes / PJ's / long T-shirts 
• Underwear (I packed loads of socks #sockaddict)
• Bathrobe / hoodie
• Toiletries (toothbrush, toothpaste, shower gel, face moisturiser, brush, deodorant, shampoo, conditioner)
• Slippers / flip flops (I'm going for flip flops, it's still summer after all #beachlife) 
• List of dietary requirements (if any)
• Glasses (if you need them)
• Something to relax: iPhone (packed with music), charger, headphones, books

Happy to hear suggestions from others if I have missed anything ;)

Next to be checked off the list: the box - "fear and other negative emotions"

When I was on one of my googling trips I was excited to come across this post on 6 Behaviours that Cure and Prevent Cancer.  To be honest if this mass of mine is cancer then so be it, I will do all that is possible in my power to cure and/or prevent cancer from happening again.  I am sure that the article above can be very helpful to anyone who wants to prevent or treat any illness or disease, which is why I want to share it as well as my experiences with the 'list'.

That being said let us go through their list and see what still needs to be done.

1. Change diet - CHECK (as discussed in a this post)
2. Deepen spirituality - CHECK (always been something I've been interested in and practicing)
3. Feel joy, love and happiness - CHECK (Every. Single. Day. and using it to heal, as discussed in this post)
4. Release repressed emotions - "UNDER MAINTENANCE" (see below...)
5. Take herbs and vitamins - CHECK (incl. green tea, Omega 3 and Multi Vits)
6. Use intuition to make treatment decisions - CHECK (From the beginning I have felt 100% confident, comfortable, relaxed and happy with the medical team around me, surgeon and surgery scheduled on Monday)  

So, number 4 - released repressed emotions has been something I have been focussing on these last days.  It's an interesting one let me tell you and it really makes you think about your thoughts and emotions (as well as feelings and energy), especially those held from (and possibly built) weeks, months or years ago.
What we need to do is 1) identify them and 2) release them to return your nervous system to a relaxed state and boost your body's self-repair mechanisms.  Sounds good to me, so in an attempt to possibly help others and give some real life examples I thought I would share my own.

So, here we go... Let's take the main negative emotions and go through them:

• Grief - Yes, definitely been feeling that one for a month so now it's time to let that one go. RIP Gran.
• Fear - This is an interesting one.  I guess the one thing that has scared me sh*tless since I can ever remember is death.  I have thought about this a lot over the years and just don't know why.  It wasn't something that someone had said, or something that happened, but I can only put it down to the fact that it is the 'unknown'.  I don't like the idea that one day I won't be here, as it just doesn't make sense to me.  Now, here is the funny thing.  When I was sitting in the Dr's office and told this I did not freak out.  I seriously didn't.  If you had told me years or even weeks ago that these words would have been said to me, I probably would said that I would break down and be full of fear, but that just didn't happen.  Faced with death may just have been the thing I needed to let the fear go.  I can type these words and have no fear, I am not worried about it and when it comes it comes.  Now another thing that comes to mind regarding fear is the scene from the 1980's hit Alien when Sigourney Weaver gets a chestburster.  Don't laugh!!! :) But when I saw this all those years ago I was filled with fear, I did NOT want that to happen to me.  The irony in all of this is that it kinda has happened - hopefully it doesn't have teeth like her's though haha.  I remember thinking - if that ever happened to me I would want that thing out ASAP, how could you walk about and live with something that wasn't supposed to be there inside you?!?!?!  I would get it out myself if I had to.  However, being in this situation I have not had that response at all, I have been happy to wait these 2 weeks for my surgery.  I have even named the mass (Lionel) and we have made peace.  He knows he has to move out on Monday and take with him any gatecrashers that may have joined him.  He is happy enough to be leaving and we are living in harmony until Monday Moving Day.  So, I can happily say I have let those fears go.  Amazing how faced with the very fear you have can be so enlightening. 
• Anger - Hmmmmm.  Still thinking about that one.  Do things that annoy you count?  Like when the fridge door won't close or when an internet page won't load fast enough?  Oh OK - yes, I have been angry about my cr*ppy LASIK experience, but since The Diagnosis, I have let that one go considerably.  I can still see, be it a bit blurry but it could be worse!  So, on those moments that I get annoyed by my bad eye, or cr*p internet connection, or a fridge door that won't close I will just breath in (re-arrange the contents of my fridge) and let it go.
• Resentment - I'm going to put my LASIK experience in here too.  I really regret my decision to do it, but I cannot reverse time.  I made my decisions.  
• Loneliness - No worries there, I have absolutely no problem about being on my own.
• Pessimism - No room for pessimism here, so that one is checked off the list.
• Depression - Not really.  I guess when you are a teenager you go through phases of "Life Sucks" (usually when you don't get your way :) but that's about it.  
• Anxiety - Interesting, yes I think I have had this once of twice... the born worrier in me has known to be anxious about stuff in the past, so I will bear this in mind if it ever re-occurs.

I have to say that going through 'number 4' was an interesting process and I wish I had given it more time before now.  So, have a think about these emotions, what comes to mind (past experiences or current situations)?  If you are holding on to negative emotions - ask yourself why and try to let them go.  Negativity never helped solve anything and it doesn't make you feel good, so just release these emotions.

As the article says "it's not just treatment, it's prevention" and don't we all want to be healthy and happy?  I do! :)

Facts and FAQ's (BEFORE SURGERY)

It's 6:something AM (early o'clock) and I'm the first in the household to wake.  I could turn over and go back to sleep but the light from the living room is too inviting to turn down.

Anyway, what to do.  Well Curious Kid is not up yet, so I will leave our little morning dose of toons for later and enjoy the Zen of quietness (yes, I sound like a total dusty middle aged person being happy in 'silence' but the sounds of the sidewalk and the ticking of the clock bring a smile to my face... and that's coming from a person who would blast out music 24/7).

So, on goes the Mac.  This week has been one of shock and awe to my family and friends (sorry guys) so I wanted to dedicate a post to the Frequently Asked Question's and the facts, so far.


Let us start with the facts:
There is no doubt about it a 'mass' seems to have lovingly stuck itself to my kidney.  That the Dr's are certain of.  After an echo and CT Scan they are saying it points to, and looks like, cancerous cells.

Now for the FAQ's:

How do you feel?
Like I have always felt, I am still me - nothing has changed there :)
I feel healthy, a little tired now and then but I guess that is no wonder when my body is trying to cope with a rather large uninvited guest.
To be honest I even forget that I have this most of the time.

Are you scared?

No.  This may seem odd, but seriously I am not worried.

Here is the way I see it, I could leave my house and be ran over by a big phat black on black Ram Dodge and that would be the end.  Death - can happen at any time, so I count myself lucky that the Dr's and Specialists in the hospital picked up on my new visitor and are doing something about it.  I see it in the way that they have added days, weeks, months, years to my life and for that I am thankful.

Are you in pain?
No.  The occasional dull ache or weird sensation, which I can only describe as the same things I felt when I was pregnant.

Will you have to undergo chemotherapy?
Chemo and radiotherapy only work on certain cancers, not all.
We have to wait and see for the results.  If and what kind of cancer (are there are also different kinds of kidney cancers).
Bear in mind that research has found that chemo does not work on kidney cancer.

What stage have they said it is?
No stage numbers have been said.  "Advanced" was the answer I received, due to the size of our visitor.  I'm sure the real answer will be known after surgery.

What will they do in your surgery?

A right radical nephrectomy - they will remove my right kidney, the mass, some lymph nodes and anything else they don't like the look of.

How long will you be in hospital after the surgery?

If the surgery is done with the da Vinci robot - 2/3 nights

If it turns into an open surgery - 5/6 nights

This is a question that I asked a good friend of mine when I found out about my Gran's cancer.
What is the best thing I can do?  
Be happy around them.
Best piece of advice ever. I know this from experience - my Gran was poorly however all she wanted was to be happy and have that energy around her.  Sitting here myself I fully appreciate and understand that.
Everyone reacts differently when they have been diagnosed with having a mass, cancer or any other disease, but a good dose of happiness can never hurt the situation.

So those, dear readers, are the most FAQ's I have been getting.  I am open to answering any questions family, friends and others have, so don't be shy to ask :)

How Super Mario is going to help me (the mind body connection)

Over the past decade I have been interested in and used the mind body connection particularly when I suffered from RSI.  I came across Rachel's story and Romain's story that blew my mind and after reading these, and Dr John Sarno's book, off I went to work on my own mind body connection - I was astounded at what happened.

The Secret had also changed my life, the movie and book spoke to me in so many ways - that's the idealist in me.  It really opened my mind to the thought that we build our own lives and can make anything happen.

When I was told the news on Monday one of the strongest thoughts I had was, "Well let's get the mind body connection started again and truly implement The Secret".  I have 100% trust and belief that the Dr's and Surgeon are doing (and will do) all that they can medically for me so the least I can do is try and help my body, and the medical team.  

If we are going to overcome this mass that is happening in my body then we need to work as a team.

Monday night - hello my friend Google.

One of the stories that I have found so inspiring is where a little boy imagined rocket ships shooting his terminal tumor away - amazing, just amazing.

Another article, which I love and keep reading is CNN - Can you imagine cancer away? If you are at all interested in the mind body connection I highly recommend reading it as it shares such empowering and inspirational stories.  

Moving onto The Secret - just check out how a 22 year old woman used The Secret to heal her Stage lV Breast Cancer.  Brilliant.

So, what am I doing exactly?  Well, every morning I wake is begun with a smile, looking over at the amazing Mr V who is usually sound asleep or on his iPad and just be happy that I am alive and have such loving, supportive, wonderful and funny people around me.  Life is good, I am here.  

Stretch - get the blood flowing and those crickety bones stretched out.  Whatever is happening inside me has to loosen up a bit.

Hello mirror - I look healthy, I feel healthy (apart from the odd pain in my right side here and there, but it's not that bad to be taking paracetamol).  As much as over the years I may have disliked some things that I saw in the mirror, don't we all?! (I look tired, my thighs are too big, bad hair day etc etc) - I don't anymore.  That is me and I am healthy, I actually have a true appreciation for myself, all that my body can do and how it looks.  For the first time I am really 100% comfortable (the 6 pack I was striving for will come, I know it for sure).  I really cannot wait to get myself back into the gym and start REALLY training - I know I can achieve a whole load more than I have if I really apply myself (and listen to Mr V).   Miraculously my one 'crappy' eye that underwent LASIK 2 years ago, that bugged the living daylights out of me every single day since (as I was in the 3% that do not have a good result) do not even annoy me.  I can see and I am happy with that.  Anyway, what I am trying to say is that when I see myself in a mirror I truly see a happy healthy person looking back at me.  

On a side note, and this may just seem too funny, but on the Monday when I was diagnosed I was truly very happy to have had a 'good hair day' - ladies, I know you know what I mean, as this doesn't happen to me often and good hair days can make all the difference :)

Now onto Super Mario.  I was lying in bed thinking about my visualization process - how to take away the mass inside me.  I am not a sciency person, so thinking about white blood cells won't work for me.  I really do not know how Mario popped up in my head but I started to strongly visualise the Donkey Kong set up (with the ladders) - old school with primary colors and pixels.  Then along came Mario with his wheelbarrow who is taking away the "mass".  So this is it for me.  

Mario is part of the team, I'm happy to have him on board.

More great resources:
Your Thoughts Can Release Abilities Beyond Normal Limits
6 Behaviors That Cure And Prevent Cancer

The Placebo Effect: Using your mind body connection to heal

The Mind Body Connection and Relaxation Exercises
The Benson-Henry Institute for Mind Body Medicine

da Vinci robot surgery and gnarly scars

We went to the hospital for the pre-operation screening and to meet with the Anaesthesiologist.  Forms were filled in and questions about general health, allergies etc. were answered.  I passed them all 10/10, yay. 

We also met with the Urologist again who had spoken with the Surgeon and they have decided to use the da Vinci robot for the surgery as he is confident the robot will reach the mass and lymph nodes effectively.  The surgery may be a combination of the robot and an open surgery and the good thing is that the surgeon can make the decision to change methods efficiently. 

I have a feeling the surgeon may be excited about this little "challenge" haha. 

The Urologist spoke about the scar.  In all honesty I don't care - get all the unwanted stuff outta there.  

The crux is:
- Robot surgery = pierced in 5 places with one larger scar (sounds good to me)
- Open surgery =  Cut open a few cm's from the belly button all the way around the side to your back (SHARK ATTACK) 

A thought had struck me, my side tattoo (a pirate pinup) will be cut in half. She may lose a leg and I have no idea how the surgeon will react to sewing me (and pirate pinup) back up again.  After a hilarious conversation my awesome friend came up with the solution: amputee pirate may have to get a peg leg tattooed on her after the recovery, word to that. 

Emotions: happy, confident and badass - bring it on! 

The story begins... (Cancer, are you kidneying me?)

Background - health and fitness were the name of the game

I'm 34; a mother, wife, daughter, friend, event planner and all round positive and happy person.

Back in March my husband and I made radical changes to our lifestyles, focussing on healthy living, clean eating and planned to compete in our first body building / women's fitness contest together next year.

It was an exciting time focussing on being in the best shape and health of our lives, which we loved to do together as a family especially with an enthusiastic and active 4 year old who only wants to be on his bike.

Between awesome weight lifting sessions with my husband (who I will call Mr V), building up my stamina for running and feeling good about our families eating choices, I had never felt better, or healthier.

A Crazy Summer - and a possible cancer patient caring for a terminal cancer patient

Since June our family has been "on the go" and we were ready for a busy and hectic summer filled with work travel, our first family vacation and other trips.

Throw into the mix a very unexpected phone call from Gran telling us that she had terminal cancer.  That was a shocker and I flew over with my son to care for her before my amazing mum came over to care for her in her final week.  I was not prepared for what awaited me at Gran's - organising and administering morphine and various cancer medications 5 x a day, making sure Gran was comfortable and happy, greeting the very many beloved friends and family who came to visit, helping in her "final days planning" (including everything from making sure she felt happy about her meetings with the undertakers, lawyers etc.) and ensuring she was eating and drinking enough.  It was one of the hardest and most rewarding things I have done.  Looking back now it seems that life has a sense of humor having a terminally ill cancer patent be cared for by another person who as it seems has cancer.

The diagnosis and the quickest turn around of events

I was feeling healthy and great.  It wasn't until on our family vacation that I felt a lump the size of a fist on the right hand side of my naval, had a sort of rumbling in my stomach and the occasional dull or sharp pain, which I put down to the food I had been consuming on our vacation (as we decided to "let loose" while we were away and were eating foods we normally didn't eat at home).  This combined with very light menstrual periods for the last 2 months made me think that a trip to the Dr was in order.  Apart from the above I had none of the other usual symptoms.

When we got home I could still feel the mass in my stomach so went to the Dr who referred me to the hospital for a stomach echo.

Monday 5 August is one I will never forget.  One day before I was scheduled to leave for another trip, sunny and warm I made my way to the hospital under orders of having an empty stomach but full bladder for the echo.   The specialist examined my stomach and could see the mass but couldn't be sure what it was.  I told her I was flying out the next day for the week and would like to have the results ASAP if possible.  Let me tell you the team and the hospital have been (and are) brilliant.  She called in her colleague to check the scan who said he wanted me to have a CT Scan to view the mass further.  Thoughts came to my mind as of course my dreaded fear, just having lost Gran to cancer, was just that.  They told me not to stress and that they wanted to have everything checked ASAP especially as I was scheduled to be out of the country for the rest of the week.

So off I went to get my bloods checked before the CT Scan, as they have to ensure your body can cope with the dye they use.  The CT Scan experience was unreal.  I was lying there just thinking, "What is happening, am I really having dye injected in me and getting a CT Scan?"  I won't forget the taste and feel of the dye running through me either.  Weird just weird.

After the CT Scan I had to see the Urologist who examined me and after 5 minutes of being in his office received a call that gave him the results of my CT Scan.  Time stood still let me tell you.  His expression changed and then those dreaded words, "I'm afraid it's bad news".  I thought, 'Here we go, bring it on!'  Yes, they found a mass (nicer word for tumor) which they think is kidney cancer as a few of my lymph nodes are enlarged too.  He was sorry to say that it was not in the beginning stage but more advanced due to the size of the mass (fabulous). My first question was "What can we do?"  The solution: perform a right radical nephrectomy where they remove the whole kidney with the mass attached.  To be honest I felt 100% OK with this answer as my thoughts were 'get whatever is not supposed to be there out'.  I have no fear of surgery and felt confident in their decision.  He had to consult 2 surgeons in the department and then get back to me on a plan of action.  My heart sank when I heard the waiting list to get a kidney (and tumor) removed was 6-8 weeks and, yes, I asked if I would die in that time.
The Urologist then wanted to check my liver so I went for another stomach echo.  Let me tell you, I think I was a familiar face (and name) in a few departments of the hospital that day and am so thankful of the quickness of the Dr's, specialists and admin in ensuring they could obtain my results during the course of 1 day.  I was in the hospital from 10am - 4pm.

I left the hospital in a daze and just wanted to get home as quickly as possible.  Another thing I will remember was that it was a glorious beautiful sunny warm day and I was comforted by the gorgeous bright day.  Life is crazy and fascinating.  Maybe it is from this moment on that I can really understand and appreciate the small things.

WTF?!

I think 'WTF' was the most used expression in our house that evening and next day.  My husband, mum, step-father, boss/very good friend and myself were just shell shocked.  How is this possible?  WTF?!

Kidney cancer, seriously?!  Where most cases happen to men over 60.

I didn't cry, I didn't freak out and to be honest coming from the person who worries more than anyone else I know, I am not worried.  Weird, right?  But hearing about my Gran's cancer was far far worse than hearing about myself.  I have so much empathy and sympathy for my family and friends, as this is one of the shittiest things you can hear.

Needless to say I tossed and turned and didn't really get much sleep that night with my mind filled of thoughts.

The next day - an Action Plan

I pretty much lost my appetite but forced myself to eat.  If I am going to be strong enough for surgery and to beat this I need to eat healthy and keep my nutrition and energy levels up.   On a side note I was drinking water like a pirate drinks rum.

Mr V and I went back to the hospital to meet with the Urologist who said "everything is arranged" and your surgery is in 13 days - it may sound crazy but Mr V and I were over the moon, we looked at each other, smiled and telepathically "boxed" each other as we were ecstatic to have surgery scheduled so soon.

Not your typical response

After speaking with the Urologist we met with the nurse who had leaflets and forms for us.  It must be so hard for all the Dr's, specialists, nurses, admin and any other medical worker to deal with people who have been diagnosed with a mass / cancer; how do you support and speak with the person and their family?  I feel for the nurse who met with us as I am sure she thought we were on something or delusional as we were all smiles, positive and happy.  People may think this is masking some sort of dread and worry but this is just how we naturally are and we believe this is the best way forward.

We left the hospital with another appoint in 2 days with another nurse and the anaesthesiologist.

That night Mr V and I ate a full dinner and slept like logs.