Thursday, November 14, 2013

Through the donut... and beyond...

Into the donut we go

So last Friday was my first journey into the donut again after surgery.  Pretty much 3 months after my first scan, when Lionel showed up.

It was an interesting experience as having a CT scan isn't painful (unless you count the infuse and the yukky dye being injected into you at full force, which really isn't that pleasant).  But rather than painful it is quite emotional, or at least that was my conclusion when I was lying there.  It musters up quite a few feelings (Am I cured?  Am I healthy?  Has the cancer gone anywhere else?  What else might they find?)

Amazing how this piece of machinery (which is pretty impressive to say the least) and the sterile room can bring back so many memories which seem so distant yet so close at the same time.  Just weird, as last time I was lying there I was this happy go lucky (naive) person thinking "What are you guys on about my kidney's for?  They are fine".  So it was a strange feeling being back in there after so much had happened,  physically and emotionally.

I could have done with some music really (Prince please), but it's only 15-20 mins of breathing in, holding your breath and breathing out so it was over quite quickly.

I know it won't be my last time in there so I just have to make peace and friends with the CT machine - I may have to give it a name (Belinda?)  The positive is that they are keeping a watchful eye over you and anything that is abnormal will be seen sooner rather than later, and that is a reassuring feeling (especially after big old Lionel was found at a late and advanced stage).

Restless weekend

I apologize to my hubby and son for my crabbiness this past weekend.  Mum and stepdad knew what was up and how I was feeling so gave me the space I needed to deal with it in my own way.  Pretty much nerves, not knowing what to do with myself or my emotions and general restlessness.  I feel good, I feel healthy, really healthy... but I did before the last scan too - so I guess that played on my mind.  What if, even after the surgery and feeling totally healthy, that the cancer was still there or back?  I just wanted results that would give me the all clear, which I needed to move forward.

Results day

Before we even got our coats off the Surgeon happily said, "Your scan looks good - all clear" - what a bloody relief! Mr V and I let out a huge sigh of relief.  I thought I would have cried in all honesty, but I guess the couple of tears shed on the weekend were already the release that I needed.   So I sit here with my heart and soul filled with joy and happiness that I am cancer free forever thankful to the Surgeon, Specialist and hospital who have saved my life.  What a feeling.  Life can change in an instant.  There are things we have control over and things we don't and that is this crazy place called life but I vow to take this so called life by both hands, a curious head and a happy heart.

#FUcancer friends

I am happy to have met some great people via social media who are now friends.  We have gone through kidney cancer; sharing feelings, stories and notes has been therapy in itself.
A few of them have just had their scans and are awaiting results, so I am sending positive vibes their way!

Now and beyond...

As to how I feel now? Relieved.  Thankful.  Lucky.  Grateful.  Emotional.  Still a little restless in all honesty - it's time to put this chapter behind me and move on.  My body is probably as healthy as it's ever been, now onto healing the mind.  I found this, below, which pretty much sums it all up.

So happy that my story isn't over yet ;)

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